Since I began dating again post-divorce, friends and readers have posed a number of amusing questions. For instance, “What do you normally wear on first dates?” (It’s this shirt, pretty much every time.) Or, “How long do you wait before becoming intimate with someone?” (A bit of time.) Recently, a reader named Malena inquired: “What’s your goal with dating? Is it ‘Let’s see what’s out there’ or ‘I’m searching for my next husband’?”
Such an excellent question! And I’ve got an answer! (I’m also interested, if you’re single, in hearing what you think.)
When I started dating this past spring, my buddy Andy advised me, “Go out and have fun with different guys!” However, I soon discovered that while dating several people can be thrilling, it might be more of a “good for her, not for me” experience. I realized that I’m in search of a long-term partner. Since February, I’ve gone out with four guys, each wonderful in their unique ways. I love the process of getting to know someone—their breakfast preferences, kissing style, quirky habits—and building inside jokes and a shared language, no matter how long it lasts.
Historically, I’ve enjoyed being in relationships, and for quite a while, I loved being married. Remember that reader comment? “A couple of nights ago, my husband and I lay in bed giggling uncontrollably, and I couldn’t tell you why,” wrote Lauren. “We looked ridiculous in our matching mouth guards and ridiculously old pajamas, and the next day he texted me, ‘I can’t stop thinking about our laughter last night.’” Oh my! So sweet. And this romantic poem always warms my heart.
Nowadays, when I’m seeing someone, I try to keep my mom’s longstanding advice in mind: in any discussion, strive to express what you truly mean, even if it feels embarrassing, frightening, or exposing. The surprising truth is that, regardless of what you express, you’ll come off as brave and relatable. There’s something inherently lovable and deserving of respect when someone communicates their true feelings, don’t you agree?
So, with any guy I’m dating, during more serious conversations, I’ll challenge myself to articulate my true wants, feelings, and worries, etc. Because, honestly, what’s the point of a discussion if not? Otherwise, you’re both just exchanging random words.
For instance, one man I dated had recently gone through a divorce. Before our first date, here’s how we discussed it via text:
Me: Can I ask you a question?
Him: Of course.
Me: I know you’re early in your split
Those initial days are so intense
I’m curious about your current mindset
Are you feeling ready for dating?
I’d assume you might be in the drinks-and-sex phase of your recovery
Which is fun and great for clarity, but I’m not just looking for that
Him: That’s a valid and excellent question.
We ended up dating for a couple of months; it was really nice, and I was glad I expressed my feelings clearly. It’s not easy, but it feels worthwhile!
So! I’m interested: What are you seeking, if you’re single? And what about if you’re in a relationship? Do these desires shift for you? I’d really like to know…
P.S. Five unexpected insights I gained from my divorce, the experience of intimacy for the first time post-divorce, and my sister’s brilliant dating advice.
(Photos by Christine Han.)
**My Top Dating Rule: A Guide from Cup of Jo**
Navigating today’s dating scene can feel like a whirlwind. With dating apps, social media, and shifting societal standards, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the multitude of “rules” people recommend. But what if there was a single, straightforward rule that could help you cut through the confusion and bring clarity to your dating experience?
At *Cup of Jo*, a cherished lifestyle blog renowned for its thoughtful relationship advice, parenting tips, and everyday insights, there’s one dating principle that stands out: **”Be yourself, unapologetically.”** While this may come off as cliché or overly simplistic, it’s a potent rule that can significantly change your dating approach.
Let’s explore why this rule is so impactful and how you can incorporate it into your dating journey.
### 1. Authenticity Attracts the Right People
In a world flooded with idealized images on social media, it’s easy to feel obliged to showcase a version of ourselves that isn’t entirely genuine. Whether curating the perfect dating profile or pretending to enjoy activities that don’t excite us, many fall into the trap of trying to meet others’ expectations.
However, when you aren’t being your authentic self, you’re likely to attract individuals who aren’t a fit for the real you. By embracing your quirks, interests, and values, you’ll naturally attract those who appreciate you for exactly who you are. This lays the groundwork for a more authentic and satisfying connection.
### 2. Confidence is Key
Being unapologetically yourself demands confidence. It means showing up to dates without the need to impress or conform to someone else’s standards. Confidence isn’t about being the loudest in the room or having all the answers; it’s about feeling comfortable in your skin and believing that you are enough as you are.
When you radiate confidence, you convey to potential partners that you value yourself. This, in turn, encourages them to extend the same respect and admiration to you. Plus, confidence is inherently attractive! People are naturally drawn to those who are assured and at ease with their identity.
### 3. Honesty Leads to Deeper Connections
One of the most significant challenges in dating is vulnerability. It can be daunting to reveal your true self, especially if you’ve experienced hurt in the past. Yet, being open about your feelings, desires, and boundaries is vital for establishing a meaningful relationship.
When you clearly express what you seek—whether a casual fling or a serious commitment—you help both yourself and your potential partner avoid unnecessary confusion or pain. Honesty cultivates trust, which is the cornerstone of any strong relationship.
### 4. Avoid the Exhaustion of Pretending
Let’s be real: pretending to be someone else is draining. Whether it’s feigning interest in a hobby or minimizing your authentic feelings, continually maintaining a façade can leave you feeling exhausted. Over time, this can lead to resentment, frustration, and even burnout in your dating life.
By adopting the principle of being unapologetically yourself, you liberate yourself from the stress of keeping up appearances. You can relax, enjoy the dating process, and focus on finding someone who genuinely aligns with your personality and lifestyle.
### 5. Embrace Rejection as Redirection
One of the toughest aspects of dating is facing rejection. It’s normal to feel let down when someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. However, if you’re being true to yourself, you can redefine rejection as redirection.
If someone isn’t interested in the real you, that’s perfectly fine! It simply indicates they aren’t the right fit. Instead of taking it to heart, view it as a chance to move on and find someone who truly values and appreciates you. Remember, dating is about exploration, and each rejection brings you closer to the right connection.
### 6. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Being unapologetically yourself also involves establishing boundaries and adhering to them. Whether it’s about how much time to devote to dating, identifying deal-breakers, or determining how you wish to be treated, clear boundaries are essential for safeguarding your emotional health.
When you communicate your boundaries early on, you cultivate a sense of respect and mutual understanding. This not only helps you steer clear of toxic relationships but also ensures you’re forging connections grounded in respect and shared values.
### 7. Have Fun and Enjoy the Journey
Dating should be enjoyable! While it’s natural to desire a meaningful connection, it’s key not to overlook the delight in meeting new people and trying new experiences. When you’re being your true self, dating becomes less about impressing others and more about enjoying the moment.
