In the freshly relaunched career column of Cup of Jo, we invite individuals to disclose the major and minor insights they’ve gained through their work experiences.
Grief counselor Natalie Greenberg operates her own practice in Manhattan and collaborates with students at the NYU Counseling Center. She shares insights on what many people are unaware of regarding grief and how others perceive her profession during social gatherings…
When did you first feel a pull toward therapy?
As a child, my father battled addiction, and my family participated in Al-Anon, a support network for the families and friends of addicts. He’s been sober for 17 years now, but I always recognized therapy as an important resource during challenging times.
Did you always foresee yourself becoming a therapist?
Not in the slightest. After earning a communications degree in college, I babysat for a family and took a year to contemplate my next steps. In my spare time, I arranged phone interviews with my friends’ parents to discuss their careers, asking questions like ‘What was your major? How did you get into this field? What do you enjoy or struggle with in your job?’ That’s how I discovered social work, which has pathways similar to psychology but incorporates a social justice angle.
What led you to focus on grief?
When I was 22, I lost my mother to suicide. I had no idea how to cope with her death, nor did I know if it was okay to discuss it with loved ones, especially since suicide felt like a difficult topic. So, in deciding on a therapy specialty, I reflected, ‘What is an area where I feel particularly qualified to help?’ Grief quickly came to mind.
How do strangers respond when they learn you’re a grief therapist?
It’s an amusing litmus test! People either barrage me with questions or promptly switch the subject. Some even say, ‘You’re about to analyze me!’ While I naturally tend to look for patterns in conversations, psychoanalyzing is work, and I prefer not to engage in that while socializing.
What has been your most challenging job?
I interned in the emergency room at Bellevue, the busiest psychiatric facility in the nation. Initially, the thought of working there terrified me, but I learned an immense amount. In my second month, Hurricane Sandy flooded the hospital, and I witnessed how a hospital functions during a natural disaster. I also learned to work in a chaotic environment; some patients would arrive while intoxicated or in a psychotic state and pose risks to the staff. Attending therapy while working there was essential for maintaining my mental well-being.
You lost your mother at a young age. What advice would you give to young people who are mourning?
Losing my mother at such a young age was incredibly isolating. None of my peers had gone through a similar loss; they didn’t know how to be there for me, and I couldn’t articulate my needs. I eventually joined a grief group called The Dinner Party, which organizes gatherings for young individuals who have lost loved ones. Connecting with others my age who have also lost parents was enlightening. It felt liberating to share my grieving journey in a supportive atmosphere. I hold great affection for this organization and recommend it to many of my clients.
Can you share a memorable work experience?
During one session, a client was recounting a loss, and I found myself in tears. Afterward, I felt uncertain about whether I had acted unprofessionally. My clinical supervisor reassured me by saying, ‘You’re a therapist, but you’re also a person, and it’s normal to respond to something profoundly sad. What could be better than having a therapist who is human?’ That experience reshaped my understanding of how therapists should engage with their clients and validate their feelings. In the early days of psychoanalysis, therapists were largely male and maintained a blank slate demeanor. While that type of therapist may still exist, it’s not who I am or aspire to be.
What’s your top piece of advice for someone wanting to become a therapist?
You can excel at therapy, but it’s equally important to master running a small business. You must be organized, and secure an accountant and lawyer. You should learn to hustle. Your success isn’t solely dependent on your ability to engage with clients and perform therapeutic tasks; it encompasses all aspects of managing a small business.
How can we support friends who are grieving a loved one?
Grief is an ongoing experience that can emerge unexpectedly. Therefore, continue to reach out to your friends weeks, months, and even years later. For those close to me, I note the anniversaries of their loved ones’ deaths in my calendar as a reminder to check in. Additionally, it’s helpful to create your own phrases instead of defaulting to ‘Sorry for your loss,’ as it can feel hollow. Finding the right words can be challenging, but aiming to express something more heartfelt—such as sharing a memory of the deceased or simply acknowledging your uncertainty about what to say and your willingness to be there for them—is valuable.
How has your grief for your mother evolved over time?
My relationship with her has significantly healed since her passing. We weren’t particularly close during my upbringing, but now, having faced the pressures of adulthood and parenting, I can empathize with her life experiences better. I’ve also recognized how specific traumas she faced influenced her parenting style. Gaining this perspective helps me see her less as an idealized parent and more as a human who endured challenging circumstances.
That’s beautiful.
Since her passing, I’ve experienced dreams where she appears. In those dreams, there’s no contention; it’s always peaceful and restorative, and we discuss unresolved matters. Upon waking, I feel comforted knowing that my subconscious isn’t harboring anger or blame—it’s seeking resolution.
If someone’s grief feels overwhelming, what guidance would you offer?
I like to assist clients in developing meaningful rituals to honor the deceased. On my mother’s birthday or the anniversary of her death, I’ll purchase the French chocolate cookies she loved, light a Yahrzeit candle, and listen to Stevie Nicks. The ritual doesn’t need to be elaborate; it’s all about celebrating the person you’ve lost.
Thank you very much, Natalie.
P.S. Insights on being a baker and how to navigate career transitions.
(Photo illustration by Diana Moss.)
# 12 Key Questions to Pose to a Grief Therapist
Grief is a natural response to loss, but handling its emotional and psychological effects can be daunting. Seeking guidance from a grief therapist can aid in processing emotions, discovering coping techniques, and moving forward healthily. However, selecting the right therapist is vital for ensuring you receive the appropriate support tailored to your needs.
Before committing to therapy, it’s imperative to ask pertinent questions to ascertain if the therapist suits you well. Here are 12 essential questions to inquire about with a grief therapist:
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## **1. What experience do you have with grief counseling?**
Grief therapy necessitates specialized knowledge and experience. Inquiring about the therapist’s background in grief counseling can provide insights into their expertise and whether they have engaged with individuals facing comparable losses.
## **2. What methodology do you employ in grief therapy?**
Various therapists adopt different approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), narrative therapy, or mindfulness practices. Understanding their method can help you gauge if it is in line with your personal preferences and requirements.
## **3. Have you assisted clients who have experienced my specific type of loss?**
Grief can arise from different forms of losses, such as the loss of a loved one, miscarriage, divorce, or job displacement. A therapist experienced in your particular type of grief may be better positioned to offer relevant support.
## **4. How long does grief therapy usually last?**
Grief is a personal journey, and the timeframe for therapy can vary per individual. Asking about the anticipated duration of therapy can help you establish realistic expectations and plan accordingly.
## **5. What can I anticipate during our sessions?**
Comprehending what unfolds in a typical session can alleviate any anxieties you have about starting therapy. The therapist can shed light on their process, including discussions, exercises, or coping strategies they may suggest.
## **6. Do you provide individual or group therapy?**
Some individuals prefer one-on-one sessions, while others find solace in group therapy. Inquiring about the available options can assist you in selecting the most suitable format for your healing journey.
## **7. How do you assist clients in managing intense emotions?**
Grief can introduce overwhelming feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety. A competent therapist should possess strategies to help you process these emotions productively.
## **8. What is your perspective on the “stages of grief” model?**
The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are widely recognized, but not everyone experiences them in a sequential manner. A therapist’s viewpoint on grief models can provide insight into their healing approach.
## **9. How do you incorporate or respect religious or spiritual beliefs in grief therapy?**
If faith or spirituality is significant to you, it’s beneficial to know whether the therapist integrates these aspects into their practice or acknowledges your beliefs while assisting you through your grief.
## **10. What coping techniques do you suggest for managing grief outside of therapy?**
As therapy sessions are limited, having tools and techniques to cope with grief in everyday life is crucial. A therapist should be able to offer practical strategies for times you are on your own.
## **11. How do you assess progress in grief therapy?**
Grief lacks a definitive endpoint, but tracking progress can be beneficial. Ask how the therapist measures improvement and what indicators signify that therapy is productive.
## **12. What are your fees, and do you accept insurance?**
Understanding the costs associated with therapy and whether insurance will cover it is essential for financial planning. Some therapists also provide sliding-scale fees based on income.
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### **Final Thoughts**
Selecting the appropriate grief therapist is a pivotal aspect of your healing process. By posing these 12 questions, you can confirm that the therapist’s methods, experience, and philosophy align with your needs. Remember, therapy should be a secure and nurturing environment where you feel at ease expressing your emotions and navigating your grief at your own speed.
If you’re grappling with loss, do not hesitate to seek professional assistance. The right therapist can offer the support and direction necessary for healing and moving forward.
