“My sister is facing the reality of sharing custody of her child,” wrote a Cup of Jo reader named Jess. “Coming to terms with losing that time with her seems impossible right now. It would be lovely to hear how others have managed this — the difficulties, the logistics, and (especially) the surprising pleasures.” A reader named Sarah then responded, “Oh my gosh, I’m dealing with this myself and feel so lost and heartbroken. Yes, please.”
So! We reached out to nine divorced women about their experiences with joint custody — the positives, the challenges, and the surprises they encountered. Here are their insights (and we’d love to hear your stories too if you’re willing to share)…
I discovered you don’t need to be around all the time to be a great parent:
“I have my seven-year-old son for a week, followed by a week without him. Initially, I couldn’t fathom being away from him for such a length of time. But I had some divorced friends who helped me navigate this situation. One friend reassured me, ‘You can reach out anytime, and I’ll be there.’ Support like that was invaluable. Also, for the first time since becoming a mother, I’m engaging in roles beyond parenting, such as being a supportive friend, a sister, and a woman in my 40s exploring dating. It’s incredibly enjoyable. I once believed that a ‘good mother’ spent all her time with her children, but that’s not accurate. The truth is you can be a present parent and ensure your child feels loved and secure without being there around the clock.” — Emily
I gained the freedom to explore my queerness:
“We ‘nested’ for the initial year — meaning, our children remained in the apartment while my ex and I rented a one-bedroom nearby, switching off our stays during non-parenting time. The actual act of leaving my kids that first weekend was incredibly hard. I cried while rolling my suitcase down the street. However, those free time blocks transformed into opportunities for me to explore my sexual identity. Having every other weekend to delve into this new aspect of myself, build my queer community, and focus on my healing and personal growth turned out to be a major silver lining. I also feel so open with my kids, discussing everything — parenting, divorce, sexuality, and life in general. I think they perceive me as my genuine self, which encourages them to embrace their authentic selves as well.” — Lexi
I experienced being alone in my home for the very first time:
“My divorce came after years of being a ‘married single parent.’ I worked full time and handled most of the domestic responsibilities. I had never been alone in my house EVER! Not even briefly! So that first weekend alone felt like a dream. I slept in, took long walks by myself, and indulged in whatever I craved (Thai curry) whenever I wanted (9 p.m.) and wherever I pleased (in bed, solo)! My norm for years was overstimulation, overwork, and a continuous state of multitasking while feeling pressed for time. Honestly, I’m surprised at how little sadness accompanied my ‘off’ weekends. Another surprise? Feeling closer than ever to my kids after the divorce. My ex and I had vastly different parenting instincts and worldview, so while it’s tough knowing they are experiencing a distinct environment at their dad’s, I finally get to parent in the way I’ve always aspired to. This brings me immense joy and confidence in my role as a mother.” — Annie
I learned to operate a tractor and install shelves:
“Of course, there are moments I miss my kids, but I feel more alive than I have in years. I enjoy spending more time with friends and trying new activities, like going to karaoke! Additionally, my ex handled all the home repairs. Now, on my off days, I’ve picked up skills such as driving a tractor, hanging shelves, replacing a towel bar, and pressure washing the house. It’s empowering to gain new abilities. Despite not being with my kids 40% of the time, I feel incredibly close to them. I have more mental and physical energy, allowing us to enjoy more fun activities together.” — Melinda, author of Hello, Cruel World! and the newsletter Now What
My female friendships flourished:
“Honestly, I thought I would struggle immensely the first few times without my daughter. Prioritizing friendships has helped tremendously. Women often find themselves isolated in nuclear families. After my divorce, I was free to spend greater amounts of time with friends — especially my best friend, who has been a single mom from day one. This friendship has become the most crucial adult relationship in my life. We’ve celebrated major holidays, vacations, and extended weekends together with our children. My daughter and I will drive to my friend’s home on a Thursday night, cook dinner, let the kids watch a movie, and spend hours chatting in bed. Our friendship has nourished me more than any romantic relationship ever has. She’s my ‘person.’” — Claire
Mom assisting her son through a tough level of Super Mario Land, 1989.
Time alone emerged as one of the best aspects:
“To my surprise, what I feared most turned out to be the greatest advantage of this 50/50 co-parenting setup. I was dreading the weekends without my kids, anticipating that I would be miserable, feeling down in my apartment. However, while I do miss my children, I now look forward to having time for myself on weekends to recharge, mingle with friends, or simply relax on my couch and read. I’d completely forgotten what being just ‘me’ felt like. It’s wonderful!” — Tina
I’m more present with my kids because I get breaks:
“One major issue in our marriage was the unequal sharing of childcare responsibilities, so when we divorced, I’ll admit, I genuinely appreciated that my ex would also have to split the time. I felt like ‘Finally, he’ll understand how disruptive kids can be to work life; finally, he’ll experience the chaos of the 2:55 p.m. pickup!’ Yes, it was an adjustment. However, I had found motherhood to be all-consuming. Dividing custody made it feel manageable. Now, when my kids are with me, I’m more engaged because I know it’s not endless. I can focus on them, knowing a break is scheduled.” — Cindy, author of The Mother Lode
I’m demonstrating to my kids how to live the life you desire:
“I delayed my divorce for far too long due to fear of shared custody. I’d envision scenes from movies and television — like divorced mothers weeping at home, missing their children and questioning what their life had become. My children are seven and ten, and I wondered if I could endure until they turned 18. But then I recognized just how far away ‘only’ 10 more years seemed. Once we started shared custody, a significant burden lifted. I realized how much anxiety I had been holding — not just from the unequal parenting demands, but also from pouring so much energy into ‘working’ on my marriage and being preoccupied with those imagined situations. Instead, the reality of shared custody has been filled with relief, hope, and the opportunity to reconnect with friends, focus on myself, work on creative projects, engage with my community, and pursue activism. My children now have a model of what it means to defy expectations and create the life they want and need — rather than a template of enduring for the sake of adhering to conventional family structures.” — Amanda, author of Touched Out and the newsletter Mad Women, and co-host of Dire Straights
I participate in her school field trips on my ‘off’ days:
“Even after a decade of co-parenting, I still feel the dual emotions of love and loss regarding my time away from my daughter. On my off days, I’ve become increasingly involved in her school life, such as attending field trips and other activities. We also provided her with a phone, enabling her to communicate between homes, and I appreciate that we can text throughout the week. One of our favorite routines is playing New York Times games each morning.” — Marie, author of the newsletter Notes from Marie
Do you share joint custody of your children? What has your experience been like? Any advice you’d like to offer?
P.S. Five things that surprised me about divorce, and the approach we took to explain divorce to our kids.
P.P.S. Additionally, on Big Salad, my experience of having sex for the first time after divorce, and how to know when it’s time to end a marriage?
(Photos, from top, by Atolas/Stocksy, Studio Firma/Stocksy, Scott Wolford, Evgenij Yulkin/Stocksy, and Bruce and Rebecca Meissner/Stocksy.)
**Navigating Joint Custody: Nine Women Share Their Insights**
Joint custody can be a multifaceted and emotionally intense journey for numerous parents. To shed light on its realities, nine women have shared their personal stories, highlighting the triumphs, challenges, and unexpected experiences they’ve faced throughout the process.
**1. Sarah’s Story: The Art of Compromise**
Sarah, a mother of two, emphasizes the significance of compromise. “It’s not always straightforward, but finding some common ground with my ex has been essential. We’ve had to set our differences aside for our children’s sake, and that has taught me a lot about patience and empathy.”
**2. Lisa’s Lesson: Communication is Key**
For Lisa, effective communication has been fundamental to successful joint custody. “We maintain a shared calendar and hold regular check-ins. It’s more than just logistics; it’s about ensuring that we’re aligned emotionally and mentally for our children.”
**3. Maria’s Moment: Embracing Flexibility**
Maria discovered early that flexibility is crucial. “Life is unpredictable, and plans can shift. Being willing to adjust has alleviated stress and made transitions easier for everyone involved.”
**4. Jessica’s Journey: Building a Support Network**
Jessica found support in establishing a solid network. “Having friends and family to rely on has been priceless. They offer emotional support and practical assistance during challenging times.”
**5. Emily’s Experience: The Joy of Co-Parenting**
Emily reflects on the positive aspects of co-parenting. “Seeing my children happy and well-adjusted makes all the effort worthwhile. We’ve created a nurturing environment despite living apart.”
**6. Rachel’s Realization: Self-Care Matters**
Rachel learned the importance of self-care. “Taking time for myself has made me a better parent. Whether indulging in a peaceful evening with a book or enjoying a night out with friends, recharging is essential.”
**7. Anna’s Advice: Setting Boundaries**
Anna emphasizes the need for clear boundaries. “Establishing boundaries has helped maintain a respectful dynamic with my ex. It’s about safeguarding my emotional health while creating a healthy atmosphere for our children.”
**8. Megan’s Milestone: Celebrating Small Wins**
Megan highlights the significance of recognizing small achievements. “Every successful changeover or harmonious holiday is a win. Acknowledging these moments keeps me motivated and positive.”
**9. Olivia’s Outlook: Embracing the Unexpected**
Olivia shares her perspective on embracing the unforeseen. “Joint custody has presented challenges I didn’t foresee, but it has also brought unexpected joys. I’ve learned to value the unpredictability and find beauty in the disorder.”
These nine women demonstrate that while joint custody can be testing, it also opens doors for growth, learning, and joyful surprises. By prioritizing communication, flexibility, and self-care, they have navigated the ups and downs, fostering a nurturing environment for their children.
