When I shared with my friend Nora that I was expecting a boy, she gazed at me over pasta plates and remarked, “Oh, Joanna, you have the chance to raise a compassionate man.” I found that notion so lovely and touching, and over the past 16 years, it’s been on my mind frequently. I’ve taught my two sons about consent, periods, apologies, kindness, and much more.
At ages 12 and 15, they are incredibly sweet, but one thing that STILL makes me crazy is how I have to closely manage their chores. “Can you clear the table?” I’ll ask, then remind them to put away the salt and pepper, include my plate, wipe the table surface, and guys, don’t leave glasses on the countertop! Gahhh!!!! Or I’ll ask them to close the shutters in the evening, and instead, they’ll absentmindedly switch off the light. “Oh, sorry,” they’ll say when I correct them. “I didn’t really hear you.”
Lately, we wrote about hats that say “Dept of Invisible Labor,” and readers loved them. It’s easy to feel like you’re quietly orchestrating everything while others roam aimlessly. One reader commented, “I bought the Dept of Invisible Labor hat quicker than you can say ‘Can you make me a list?’”
CAN YOU MAKE ME A LIST???? * all the skull emojis *
I realized, SO HELP ME GOD, that I won’t raise boys who ask their partners to just list tasks for them. I won’t! I can’t! And suddenly I recalled something I’d seen on Instagram or Substack — (if you know the person’s name, please share so I can credit them) — about a mom who addressed chores differently, so I opted to try it too.
Here’s how: Nowadays, instead of giving my kids detailed instructions to help, then repeatedly reminding them as they meander through tasks, I ask them, “Toby and Anton, before we go to bed, can you please do three things to help in this room?” And they must LOOK AROUND, NOTICE JOBS THAT NEED DOING, and DO THEM.
I mean!!! How fantastic is that? It feels like such a no-brainer, like the answer to a riddle.
Initially, when I asked them to do three things, they were eager to assist, but still observed in bewilderment. “What should I do?” one inquired. “It actually seems quite clean here,” stated the other. I urged them to continue looking and identified several tasks until, in a few nights, they grasped it.
Now, when I ask them to do three things, they immediately spring into action. “I’ll take all the sweatshirts and socks to our rooms,” Anton stated last night. “Then I’ll wipe the counter and empty the trash.” Then, Toby surveyed and remarked, “I’ll put away our water glasses, set out the cereal for the morning, and switch off the lights since we’re retiring.”
These boys! I must say, over the last 16 years, I’ve observed that kids truly wish to be kind and responsible; they want to help and feel competent. And guess what? When these boys become kind men, they will be prepared and eager to create their own lists.
Anton and his cousin Jimmy at Christmas dinner, before clearing the table.
Jimmy: “Can you text that photo to my mom?” hahahaha
Your thoughts? Would (or do) you apply this? What additional parenting hacks have you discovered over the years? I’d love to hear them.
P.S. How I taught my kids to converse at dinner, and reflections on the teen, the tween, the toddler, and the bump.
