The preparations for Bat Mitzvah have kicked off in full swing at our home, which entails that each week, my 12-year-old daughter retreats to her room, connects with her amazing tutor via Zoom, and emerges with knowledge that her own mother lacks.
This journey will span an entire year and involves multiple facets. She will acquire the ability to read Hebrew and chant trope (the musical notes that correspond with Hebrew letters). She will compose a d’var torah, a brief sermon or interpretation of her Torah portion that she will present to the whole congregation. Additionally, she will partake in some form of Mitzvah project, aligning with the Jewish principle of Tikkun Olam, or repairing the world. Essentially, she’ll channel her personal interests into a volunteer project.
The initial meeting with her tutor did not go well, as I had cautioned the tutor it might. When asked to read something in Hebrew, my daughter struggled, leading her to tears, and judging by the amount of tissues I discovered next to her desk afterward, she cried throughout the rest of the session. It wasn’t merely the difficulty of the task that seemed daunting; the ultimate goal — the honor of chanting Torah while under the watchful gaze of hundreds — frightened this introverted child even more. When the session wrapped up, she emerged in tears until we discussed it enough to transition to ice cream and an episode of The Summer I Turned Pretty, her body leaning against mine, forever my little girl.
When she exited the second session with a smile, I remarked, “I suppose when there are tears on the first day, the only way is up?” We both laughed, but I knew that many more tears would flow (from both of us). Even so, I aimed to instill a sense of hope in her. Isn’t that what we all seek when embarking on a long, arduous journey with an outcome that feels distant?
***
My parents were staunchly anti-religious Jews, so the term “Bat Mitzvah” was never mentioned during my upbringing (I only learned of it when invitations for the 7th grade arrived). That said, I did marry a Jewish man, and since relocating to Los Angeles nine years ago, our family life has been shaped and structured by a Jewish community, which has astonished no one more than me, as I had not found much purpose in religion during my previous 37 years. However, over the years we’ve spent here, I’ve grown to rely not only on friends from our synagogue but also on the rituals, traditions, and rabbinical support amidst a crumbling world, so when it came to the decision regarding our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, we were unequivocally certain that she would have one.
When we first arrived here, observing the preteens lead a significant part of the Shabbat service left me somewhat taken aback — it was so challenging, and they had to learn a great deal of Hebrew while interpreting such a complex text! The achievement has only become more remarkable as my daughter edges closer to that same challenge. The 13-year-olds I once perceived as quite mature now seem much less so compared to the preschooler who used to sit on my lap during services.
***
One of the remarkable joys of parenthood is being inspired by your children, but during this year-long learning process, I’m moved by more than just her determination and spirit. I’m touched by the fact that my preteen is being compelled to engage in something that runs counter to our fast-paced culture.
Preparing for a Bat Mitzvah is an incredibly gradual process. It is challenging, uncomfortable, and lacks immediate utility. This distinguishes it from learning French before a trip to Paris or mastering how to drive a stick shift. It is not something that can be optimized; it doesn’t lend itself to quick videos or viral memes. There are no short-term rewards, apart from the excitement of having memorized (or read or interpreted) a new text line each week. Shortcuts are completely absent, and it cannot be accelerated by any hack or app.
It is cumulative in the manner that only the finest things in life, such as parenting, friendships, and marriage, can be.
This contemplation has led me to reflect on similar pursuits in my own life; endeavors that demand perseverance, patience, and creativity. A passion whose initial rewards may be modest but that become magically cumulative.
For me, this is writing a novel, although it could also extend to gardening, learning to knit, running long distances, or creating an intentional community.
From my experience, writing a novel often feels as slow and futile as memorizing ancient Hebrew verses, yet it offers me something irreplaceable: the satisfaction of tackling a demanding task. It serves as a reminder that I can — and should — push my limits; that that is where the truly valuable experiences often lie.
Abigail Rasminsky is a writer and editor based in Los Angeles. She teaches creative writing at the Keck School of Medicine of USC and writes the weekly newsletter, People + Bodies. She has also contributed to Cup of Jo on various subjects, including marriage, preteens, perimenopause, and only children.
P.S. What has surprised me the most about raising preteens, and are you religious?
(Photo by Eloisa Ramos/Stocksy.)
Title: Insights Gained from My Child’s Bat Mitzvah Preparations
The experience of preparing for a Bat Mitzvah represents a significant milestone, not only for the child but also for the whole family. This coming-of-age ceremony signifies a young Jewish girl’s transition into spiritual and ethical responsibility. As a parent who has recently traversed this path, I have gathered several key takeaways that can assist others in getting ready for this important occasion.
1. **Initiate Early and Plan Thoroughly**: One of the most vital pieces of advice is to commence planning well ahead of time. The date of the Bat Mitzvah is typically set a year or longer in advance, allowing for ample time to manage the event. Early planning facilitates securing the venue, coordinating with the synagogue, and scheduling lessons with the Rabbi or tutor. It also provides time to tackle any unexpected obstacles that may arise.
2. **Engage Your Child in the Process**: It is crucial to involve your child in the planning stages. This occasion centers around their growth and milestones, so their input is essential. Encourage them to take part in decisions regarding the theme, invitations, and even the menu. This engagement nurtures a sense of ownership and responsibility, enhancing the meaningfulness of the experience for them.
3. **Emphasize the Spiritual Component**: Although the celebration is significant, the spiritual preparation is the essence of the Bat Mitzvah. Ensure that your child comprehends the importance of the Torah portion they will recite and the responsibilities they are embracing. Regular meetings with the Rabbi or tutor can offer direction and deepen their appreciation of Jewish traditions and principles.
4. **Balance Tradition with Personal Elements**: While it’s important to adhere to traditional practices, incorporating personal touches can make the occasion more unforgettable. Think about including elements that showcase your child’s personality and interests. Whether it’s a special song, a distinct theme, or a custom speech, these additions can truly enhance the Bat Mitzvah experience.
5. **Budget Thoughtfully**: Bat Mitzvahs can be costly, so it’s vital to establish a realistic budget and maintain it. Prioritize the aspects that are most significant to your family and seek ways to economize on less essential elements. Keep in mind that the core of the Bat Mitzvah lies in the religious ceremony, not in the lavishness of the celebration.
6. **Celebrate the Community Aspect**: A Bat Mitzvah is not solely a family event; it’s a celebration within the community. Involve friends and family in both the planning and festivities. Their support can alleviate stress and elevate the joy of the moment. Additionally, connecting with the synagogue community can provide a supportive network and resources.
7. **Anticipate Emotional Moments**: The Bat Mitzvah is a significant emotional milestone, and both parents and children are likely to experience a range of feelings. Be ready for moments of happiness, pride, and even anxiety. Open communication and support can help navigate these emotions, ensuring a positive experience for all involved.
8. **Acknowledge Achievements**: Lastly, take the time to recognize your child’s dedication and accomplishments. Celebrate their commitment to learning and their progress throughout the preparation process. This acknowledgment can enhance their confidence and reinforce the significance of their achievements.
In summary, preparing for a Bat Mitzvah is a fulfilling journey filled with opportunities for growth, education, and connection. By planning ahead, involving your child, and focusing on both the spiritual and celebratory dimensions, you can craft a meaningful and unforgettable experience that honors this notable milestone in your child’s life.
