When my teens erupt in tears and bang their bedroom doors, I refrain from comforting them…
It feels somewhat harsh to articulate, yet my reasoning is this: they opted for solitude in that moment, and they’re mastering emotional regulation, a vital life skill. It was different when they were younger, of course, but as developing teenagers, they’re strengthening those muscles with every instance. I take pride in them and have faith in their abilities.
After all, they recognize that I’m around, either reading on the couch or brushing my teeth, should they require me. They understand they can approach me at any time, that nothing they disclose would astonish or humiliate me (“I’ve heard everything,” I frequently remind them), and that nothing they could ever express or do would lead me to stop loving them. I trust that they’ll seek me out if they desire advice or a hug or simply want someone to sit beside them and rub their back during a tough moment.
But regarding feeling those intense emotions? I would never wish to diminish them or prevent my children from experiencing these feelings. Being upset, sad, or disappointed isn’t negative; in fact, it’s a very positive thing. It’s part of life! We aim for wholeness! Kids ought to learn to endure challenging emotions, weather the storm, give themselves pep talks, and realize that intense feelings pass, life continues, and they are JUST FINE.
The more they go through this cycle, repeatedly, the more they’ll recognize that they can handle almost anything. They’ll be capable of self-soothing, without needing to seek constant reassurance or depend heavily on someone else or, later, potentially drink excessively or punch a wall. They will be able to stand firmly on their own two feet and face whatever arises. How incredible is that? Some individuals navigate their entire lives without learning emotional regulation; it’s a tremendous superpower and, I might even contend, the secret to enduring happiness?
(To clarify, I thoroughly enjoy discussing worries, struggles, issues, relationships, and life in general with my kids when they’re calm and stable; but I want them to learn to tolerate the wave of intense feelings independently first.)
I could not resonate with this more:
Some suggestions for emotional regulation (suitable for all ages):
* take some time alone
* breathe deeply
* hydrate, splash water on your face, take a shower (just add water:)
* take a walk
* acknowledge your feelings and label them
* remind yourself that difficult feelings will fade; they’re usually most intense at the onset
* attempt to reframe your thinking or envision someone else’s viewpoint
* consider the bigger picture (like, the Grand Canyon trick!) — your life is vast, this is just one moment within it
* question your thoughts. ask yourself, what’s the evidence? (for instance, if you think, ‘I have no friends,’ is that genuinely accurate? what’s the evidence for that? is there evidence for the contrary?)
* if you made a mistake and are now berating yourself, tell yourself the phrase, “I’m learning.” (This helps me significantly when I’m frustrated with myself.) It’s perfectly fine to err, then learn and grow!
Thoughts? What else would you contribute to that list? I’m keen to learn how you approach and contemplate these moments. If my kids are upset, and I feel compelled to resolve all their problems (which is impossible anyway!), I’ll remind myself of things like: “This is a feeling they can manage; they’re doing a fantastic job building these muscles; they’re mastering a vital life skill; they know you’re present if they need you; they are going to be just fine; go, darling, go!!!” (And guess what I just realized, as I penned this last paragraph? I emotionally regulate myself while they learn to emotionally regulate!)
P.S. More insights on communicating with kids, including a scavenger hunt parenting hack and three words that transformed my parenting. Plus, 21 entirely subjective rules for raising teen girls and boys.
(Photo by Danil Nevsky/Stocksy.)
**The Advantages of Allowing My Kids to Confront Sadness, Disappointment, and Upset**
In the current fast-paced society, many parents endeavor to protect their children from negative emotions, aiming to create a joyful and stress-free setting. However, permitting kids to encounter sadness, disappointment, and upset can profoundly benefit their emotional and psychological growth. Here are several key advantages of allowing children to navigate these difficult emotions:
1. **Emotional Resilience**: Encountering negative emotions aids children in developing emotional resilience. By confronting sadness and disappointment, they learn that these feelings are a natural aspect of life and cultivate the capacity to recover from setbacks. This resilience is vital for overcoming future obstacles and sustaining mental health.
2. **Empathy and Compassion**: When children face their emotional challenges, they become more empathetic towards others. Experiencing what it feels like to be upset or disappointed nurtures compassion and kindness, as they can relate to the emotions of their peers and extend support.
3. **Problem-Solving Skills**: Allowing children to encounter disappointment promotes the development of problem-solving abilities. Instead of avoiding or being rescued from tough situations, they learn to think critically and creatively to find solutions, fostering independence and self-sufficiency.
4. **Emotional Intelligence**: Experiencing a variety of emotions enriches a child’s emotional intelligence. They learn to recognize, comprehend, and manage their feelings, which is essential for cultivating healthy relationships and effective communication throughout life.
5. **Appreciation for Joy**: Confronting sadness and disappointment can deepen a child’s appreciation for joyful moments. When children recognize that life has its ups and downs, they are more likely to cherish and savor positive experiences.
6. **Realistic Expectations**: Allowing children to face disappointment helps them form realistic expectations about life. They understand that not everything will unfold in their favor, and that setbacks are a typical part of the human experience, preparing them for adulthood.
7. **Coping Mechanisms**: By coping with negative emotions, children learn healthy coping strategies. They identify ways to manage stress, such as discussing their feelings, engaging in physical activities, or practicing mindfulness, which are invaluable tools for lifelong mental well-being.
8. **Self-Reflection and Growth**: Experiencing upset and disappointment encourages self-reflection and personal development. Children learn to assess their actions, understand their triggers, and implement positive changes, leading to heightened self-awareness and maturity.
In conclusion, while it may be challenging for parents to witness their children experiencing sadness, disappointment, and upset, these emotions play an essential role in their development. By allowing children to confront and navigate these feelings, parents equip them with the necessary tools to thrive emotionally and socially. Ultimately, embracing the full range of emotions prepares children for a balanced and fulfilling life.
