A few nights ago, one of my children got a phone call from a girl at school…
After that, he came into our living room and flopped down on the couch. “Are you alright?” I asked.
“I was so reserved on the phone,” he confessed. “She probably thinks I’m dull.”
As we sat there, The White Lotus paused on the screen, I shared something my mother often reminded us while growing up—something I’ve contemplated for years and witnessed countless times, which I now hold close to my heart.
“Sweetheart,” I said, gently running my fingers through his hair, “In these moments, everyone’s just focused on their own thoughts.”
Isn’t that true? Have you ever returned home from an event and lay wide awake considering how someone else appeared? Have you ever had a clumsy exchange and regretted that someone else was awkward? Have you ever hung up worrying whether someone else was too shy or too talkative, too soft-spoken or too loud? No, of course not; we focus on ourselves. Everyone does.
As we cuddled on the couch, I said to my child, “If the person you spoke with even realized you were quiet—which they likely didn’t—they wouldn’t think, ‘Why is he so quiet?’ Instead, they’d wonder, ‘Am I not interesting enough? Should I have said something different?’”
Every now and then, I remind myself of this, and I’m already 46! Recently, one of my closest friends was particularly quiet via text, and I had to inquire:
(Our text conversations often remind me of this meme)
The takeaway: We all stress! We’re all trying! We’re all more critical of ourselves than anyone else has been or ever will be! Once you understand that everyone is preoccupied with their own self-analysis, and no one is scrutinizing you, you can simply be kind, open-hearted, human, awkward, forgiving, loving, and whatever else you wish, as you will feel liberated. xoxoxo (Don’t forget this other remedy for social anxiety?)
P.S. 21 entirely subjective guidelines for raising teenage girls and boys, along with the best parenting lesson my mom imparted overall.
# The Most Crucial Advice My Mother Shared With Me During My Preteen Years—Now I’m Passing It Down to My Kids
During my preteen period, I was navigating the perplexing shift from childhood to teenage years. It was a time full of emerging feelings, friendships, and hurdles. Throughout those years, my mother shared a piece of wisdom that has remained with me all my life. Now, as a parent, I often find myself extending that very wisdom to my own children.
## The Advice: “Stay True to Yourself”
My mother would often say, **”Stay true to yourself, irrespective of what others think.”** At that moment, I didn’t grasp the full significance of this advice. However, as I aged, I recognized its strength and importance.
### The Importance of This Advice
During my preteen phase, I frequently sensed pressure to conform. Whether it was donning the “in” styles, enjoying the “right” music, or behaving in a particular manner to gain acceptance, I sometimes found it challenging to remain true to my identity. My mother’s words served as a reminder that I didn’t need to change myself to be appreciated or valued.
She conveyed that:
– **Being genuine surpasses popularity.** Having a few true friends who cherish you for who you are is far more valuable than altering yourself for the approval of many.
– **Inner confidence is key.** When you accept your authentic self, you naturally become more self-assured.
– **Not everyone will appreciate you—and that’s perfectly fine.** Striving to please everyone is tiring and unattainable. The right individuals will value you as you are.
## How I Pass This Wisdom to My Children
Now that I have my own children, I witness them confronting the same struggles I once faced. The influences of social media, peers, and societal pressures can make it even more difficult for kids to maintain their authenticity. Thus, I consciously strive to reinforce my mother’s advice in ways they can comprehend.
### 1. Fostering Self-Expression
I allow my children to pursue their interests, whether it’s a unique pastime, a distinctive fashion sense, or a nontraditional way of thinking. I remind them that their individuality is what truly makes them exceptional.
### 2. Instilling the Importance of Standing Firm in Their Beliefs
I encourage my children to express their views and uphold their values, even in challenging situations. Whether it’s advocating for a friend or resisting peer pressure, I want them to feel that their voice has significance.
### 3. Leading by Example
Kids learn best through observing their parents. I strive to exemplify authenticity in my life by accepting who I am, making choices based on my principles, and embracing being different.
### 4. Reassuring Them That Making Mistakes Is Acceptable
Being true to oneself involves acknowledging that perfection isn’t attainable. I teach my children that mistakes provide valuable lessons and growth opportunities rather than reasons for embarrassment.
## A Timeless Lesson
Reflecting on it, I am immensely thankful for my mother’s guidance. It has contributed to my development as an individual, and I hope it will have the same impact on my children. In a world that frequently pushes kids towards conformity, reminding them to **stay true to themselves** is one of the greatest gifts we can offer.
So, to all the parents out there—what’s the most valuable advice your mother shared with you? And how are you passing it along to your children?
